| after thursday i can't stop thinking about him. he's all i think about, about how happy i felt about how safe i felt about how happy he made me. i can't stop thinking about the things i want to tell him, the things i want to share with him. the things i wish he could just get over and move on with his life. i want to know what's going on in his life, i want to see what he's doing, how he's doing. i want to talk to him and ask him how life is. i want to for my own sake and also b/c i'm still afraid that i won't find someone else and that i will want to be with thomas in the future. i'm scared that if i don't talk to him then he won't be my friend anymore even after a few months. i'm scared of losing him as a friend b/c i'm scared i won't find someone better. i want him to realize what he did was the biggest mistake of his life just like christine tells me. i hope he thinks that and i hope he realizes what he had. but when i think back at what we had, i also see that he slowly stopped adoring me. he became too comfortable with me and took me for granted.
why doesn't that make me mad? that he took me for granted towards the end. why doesn't that make me not like him. why do i still want to be with him after knowing what he did to tina and after knowing how he felt about jane. why am i not mad at him? why do i not care. why at this point in time do i feel like i would still take him back? i can't be that lonely. i know i can be single and i know i can be ok with myself. i have a lot of friends and they hang out w/ me and look out for me. i don't know what's wrong with me, why i think i should be with him.
it makes me sad when ppl assume that if he wanted me back i should just say, hahaha too bad so sad. too late my friend. it makes me happy at the same time b/c i know these ppl want the best for me and of course so do i but i can't help but remember how happy i felt when i was with him. how wonderful life felt knowing that he was there and that he cared about me.
i guess love and life are great when you're in it. it's weird b/c it made me happy thinking that thomas smiles when he thinks of me, that no one else would really matter to him. but then knowing that that's wasn't true, that he smiles when he thinks of other girls and that he questions what he had with me. why doesn't that make me mad?? why doesn't that infuriate me??? i deserve someone who will always love me, not love me for now and drop me when something possibly better comes along.
being single right now has taught me a lot about myself and definitely made me reflective of our relationship. i did put too much pressure on thomas to get married, too much pressure too early. why did i always talk about our marriage, about our future life, about things so far away. why not live in the present and not worry about the future? i realized how much of my own life i gave up to be with him. i'm glad that i realize now the things that i like to do, the things that i want to do with my life. i realize that i like watching movies & DVDs, that i like baking and cooking. that i like going out and exploring new bars and just hanging out. i like watching tv and vegging out. i like running when i have time and i like trying to be healthy for myself.
sometimes i think that thomas and i got together b/c we had aip in common. we had friends in common and we hung out w/ the same people and it wasn't awkward. our lives were similar when we were together, we studied, did alpha stuff, assp stuff, hung out w/ nise and then did it all over again. he was right when he said we don't have a lot in common. but what still bothers me is that i liked trying to get to know the things he likes and liked to do. it made me happy to understand what he likes and to be a part of it. i liked that we were learning to like things about the other person. i think that's how relationships grow and that's how people grow.
i think the things that make relationships work are dependent on the amount of effort the 2 ppl put into it. is it a feeling of 'settling' or a feeling of being happy with what you have because you don't need anything more than that.
i miss thomas. i miss talking to him and i miss having him as my friend. i hate having to restrain myself. i hate this feeling in my heart of never talking to him normally again. i'm so scared to be his friend but i'm scared to not be his friend. i want to call him. i want to ask him how his life has been i want to see how he's doing. i want to know hat he's done in the past 4 months. i want to ask him about ny, ask him about dc ask him about sd. i want to talk to him like a normal person but i'm obviously not ready for that.
or maybe i am. i know that being together is not what's right right now. i don't hate him for what he did, although i should. i know he has to grow and he has to have these experiences. i know this and i want him to go through that. i don't know. it hurts not talking to him, i'm scared it'll hurt if i do talk to him.
last night's dream of putting my head in his lap and holding his hand. being with him and calling him humma. oh my god. that felt nice but it hurt at the same time. it hurt when i woke up and realized what i dreamt and then it hurt again realizing that it's no where near true and that it shouldn't be true any time soon. i have to let go and i have to move on. i wish i could. i hate matters of the heart. why can't things just be simple. why can't i just be happy.
|
| |
